Monday, February 21, 2011

Meditating Mama...maybe?

At the encouragement of my friends, family, several self-help books, and Oprah I decided to try meditation. The first instruction I got was to find a clean, quiet, relaxing space where I could spend several minutes alone each day. Seriously? If this is step one I'm in trouble! I haven't been relaxed or alone since 2005, when my kids were born; the last time the house was quiet was the day before we moved in. And clean, well I somewhat took care of that with my, "If -you-don't want-to-pick-it-up-I'll-throw-it-away", spree! I thought to myself, wasn't that the point of this meditation thing, to gain the tools needed to maintain calm despite being in the midst of turmoil." I began to feel defeated before I even began.

I thought to myself, "I can't do this, this is not going to work, I need prescription drugs and probably lots of them, to get me sane." I thought, "I'm not like those people in the books, those who have their breakdown only to realize it was their breakthrough, who meditate for 5 minutes then proceed to possess the truths of life. I'm just a mom." I was right, I was not those people. I couldn't pick up the story of someone Else's life and make it my own. I had to create my own story. There is nothing wrong with reading about the routes other people take to reach their goals, but ultimately, its up to us as individuals to pave our own way, and trust me sometime,s that way may not actually be paved at all. Must haves for me on my journey: a machete, tall rubber boots, several first aid kits, and lots of bug repellent. No paved ways here!

So I decided to give this meditation thing a real try. On my terms. A somewhat quiet corner, in a somewhat clean house. I had a comfortable cushion, the children were occupied, and so I sat.  I closed my eyes with a slight smile on my face. I was ready for my stress and worries to melt, replacing them with peace and euphoria. Well not quite, but I figured I would at least not be sitting there thinking about the time my husband forgot to pick me up from yoga class, During The Winter. I Was Outside FreeZING FOR 2 HOURS! Okay, where did that come from? "Breath and relax", I thought. Here we go I have it together. Well, I really don't, what are we eating for dinner tonight. Oh, and I so forgot to pay the power bill! Breath and relax, I thought. My back hurts! Breath and relax, breath and relax, breath and..."SHE HIT MEEEE!"

Hmm.

Okay, that was no Eat, Pray, Love realize your higher self session, but after looking at the clock I realized I had sat there for nearly 15 min. Sometime after the 9th or 10th "breath and relax", I did. My mind was being flooded with thoughts, but every time I thought just breath and relax, it became a little easier to just let those thoughts...float away.

I did feel a little better, not much, but enough to decide to do it again. "Wow", I thought to myself, maybe I am on my way to finding my way. "I like this feeling", I thought, as I stood up and stretched. But 15 min. break is over and mama is back on the clock...

"NOW, WHO HIT WHO!"

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